gah

fuck

Nothing is going right this week. Everything is all wrong. It's not even big things. They're just small, really irritating things. Like people. And I don't know, food. Music.

Music pisses me off.

That is how crazy and off my rocker I am. 

This blog. This blog pisses me off. Because I waste too much time here writing stuff when I should be doing stuff like studying for math or studying for chem or studying for English.

No motivation. That irritates me. I irritate myself. But I don't do anything about it.

Small, irritating things build up. Maybe I want to sit and talk to someone during lunch. That doesn't mean that once I stop sitting and talking to that person, that everyone has to mob me and start smirking at me and ask me how my "alone time" was. Ask me what I did. Poke me. Multiple times. And it's not even a few people. It's EVERYONE who eats in that lunch area. 

This English quiz that I thought was quite easy and turns out I failed it. Got a D. Literally. fjdlks;a and that was enough to drop my grade from an A to an 88%. =________= Great. /prepares self for two B's this quarter.

Parents. Parents parents parents. They yell at me for walking down the stairs too loudly. For ringing the doorbell too loudly. For not turning off the lights. For not turning on the lights. For not closing the blinds. For not studying math. For not getting straight A's. For spending all my time on math. For not doing well in math. For not doing well in Chinese. For fucking up my Chinese reading comprehension. For not managing to memorize 50 Chinese characters/phrases and their definitions in ten minutes. For not living up to their expectations. For not doing anything well. For not 'working hard enough'. 

Why can't you just. Accept that I'm not that good. Accept that I'm a failure, according to your standards, and then maybe we can see eye to eye.

Food. I am trying to starve myself and improve my swim times. That doesn't work. I know that doesn't work. I try anyways. Because it's the one thing I can control. I'm not smart. I'm not beautiful, or even pretty. I'm not witty. Maybe I can be skinny. I want to be skinny. I starve myself. Then I am too weak to survive a brutal two hour swim practice. I eat like a starving hyena. I weigh myself. I am frustrated at myself.

If I can't even control my weight, what can I control? What good am I?

I'm good at feeling sorry for myself. I'm good at complaining. I'm good at being useless. I'm good at being lazy. I'm good at not doing anything right.

What am I supposed to do? Aren't I supposed to stick with what I'm good at?