i want you for myself

Lately I've been wondering why I can't feel happy. Whatever I'm doing, even if it's hanging out with friends or listening to happy music (happy music? since when have I needed to listen to 'happy music' to make myself feel happy?) or shopping or whatever, there's always an undercurrent of sadness. And at random times, I get a dull ache in my stomach and a prickly feeling behind my eyes and suddenly all I want to do is cry. Cry until someone holds me close and pats my back and tells me that it's alright, that everything's going to be okay. But I can't do that, can't cry in front of everyone, still a little girl at sixteen years old, so I keep the burning feeling down in my chest until it feels like I'm suffocating.
Like now.
I was just listening to "You and I" by Ingrid Michaelson and when she sang the lyrics "oh let's get rich and buy our parents homes in the south of France, let's get rich and give everybody nice sweaters and teach them how to dance" I started to cry and I don't know why.
Why does it seem like I always need someone to rant to, someone to hug me, someone to tell me it's okay, to be happy? Why can't I be independent and believe my lies to myself: "everything's going to be fine", "you're alright"?
Earlier today I was thinking about my relationship with God and how I've drifted away from Him this entire year. I've disliked going to church because I'm always alone, isolated, and I don't feel like I can understand Scripture -- everyone else's interpretations are always so much more... interpretation-y and I feel left alone and lost and terrified and I run away from my problems so I've been running away from God.
And then later today I was wondering how it would feel to cut myself. Just out of morbid curiousity, of course. I've heard that it does hurt, a lot, but then later in the midst of physical pain it helps release some inner pain, so it feels good... and that's why cutters keep cutting themselves.
........
I don't know, looks pretty painful to me.

Why am I so clingy and whiny and terrible and dumb and WHY