(or tries to)
I want to sleep with someone.
Okay, now everyone reading this -- get your mind out of the gutter this instant. >:C I'm ashamed of the lot of you.
In my mind, the definition of "sleeping with someone" is more like sleeping next to them. Just cuddling. Or even not. Not even spooning or being all that close, really. Just sharing the same bed, getting a sort of comfort from the knowledge that someone's next to you and wants you to be there and won't be judging you.
I don't know. It appears that I have this....... for lack of better words, "urge" for physical contact. Totally innocent physical contact, I remind you. Just like........ hugs, sitting on people, having someone pick you up bridal style, piggy back rides.
........
......
....
yes I am AWARE of how much I sound like a pervert but seriously, in my mind, this is all totally innocent. Like five-year-old innocent naivete. So I will try to continue without feeling uncomfortable.
First. Hugs.
I really like hugs.
Yes.
With girls, yes, because they usually don't squeak or back off or run away screaming, but mostly with guys. Okay. This is because guys (the ones that don't squeak or back off or run away screaming) give very nice, warm, long hugs. (Girls are more of the...... quick side hug variety.) Guys, on the other hand, give nice hugs. I don't know how to describe it. And since they're almost always taller than me, I have to tiptoe to put my arms around them and so it feels sort of............ vulnerable, I guess. Then when someone gives me a warm hug, not loose and sort of "when does this end" vibe-y hug, I feel nice. And comforted. I guess. Comforted from what, you say? I don't know. I really.... don't know. I just feel happy. Happier. Which is also if you are a guy, and you are taller than me, and you give nice hugs, you get +321832098438 good friend points in my mind. I am subconsciously awarding you these points.
Second. Sitting on people.
This is mostly during swim season/swim meets, because that's where I usually sit on people.
But sometimes I sit on Victoria during orchestra when there's no nearby available chairs and I'm too lazy to go get one myself.
But she's a little too skinny and I feel like I'm breaking her or something like that so it's not very comfortable but whatever there's no awkwardness.
So on to swim meet events. At swim meets there's almost no available chairs because not everyone has a chair. Therefore, people end up sitting on other people's chairs or on other people.
Sometimes I sit on other girls like Melissa but she's about the same weight as I am so it's tiring for her. Plus she has long distance events to swim so I refrain from squashing her leg muscles with my "bony ass".
Yes, my ass has been called bony many times. By the people I sit on.
Moving on, last swim meet I sat on Steven because all chairs were full and it was freaking 90 degrees and I didn't want to stand and sweat. And he's so freaking skinny. Skinnier than I am. Waaaay skinnier. So I was trying to sit on him/get more comfortable (because there's like NO LAP SPACE OK) and then he was saying stuff like "that's my balls" "your bony ass is poking into my thigh" "ow" "my thigh" "your bony ass" "stop" so I was like ok fine whatever and then I finally found a ... niche where I could sit comfortably and his thighs could breathe
but the point is that it wasn't awkward. Like I didn't feel any obligation to... do anything or whatever. and swim team accepted it like "ok Janis likes sitting on people alright"
and then I go and sit on Jeremy because he's fatter than Steven
and has a wider lap
and that feels nicer
although he also complains about my bony ass
and then I fall asleep on him
and then Chris Kim takes a picture and posts it on the JV facebook wall -_____-
but THE POINT IS, I feel comfortable enough with these people that I can sit on them, and even sleep on them, without feeling awkward. this is very important for me. non-awkwardness. yes. and I don't know, because me and Jeremy and me and Steven are really just "good friends", yes. this is my relationship with these two guys. "Good friends", or in Jeremy's words, "friends that sit on each other and are not awkward = good friends"
so yeah. It felt nice sleeping on Jeremy. (in a totally PLATONIC WAY, BTW)
Third. Having someone pick you up bridal style.
it just makes you feel.... safe. I don't know. loved. nice.
today Steven was in the pool with us JV kids and he picked me up bridal style and then it felt nice to be
picked up
and
comforted somehow. I don't know. every time a guy that I know and TRUST and am COMFORTABLE WITH picks me up/hugs me I feel nice. happier.
jfkdlsjf am I making sense.
So fourth, piggy back rides, sort of goes along with numba three so we can schloomp those two categories together.
anyways, I hope I have given you people some insight into the way my mind works (INNOCENTLY ENOUGH MOST OF THE TIME, SURPRISINGLY) and why I like hugs and sitting on people. which can be totally platonic on my side, even if most of the hugs/sitting on people are towards people of the opposite gender, I just want to be loved.
In a friendly unawk way.
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