sobbing

Recently made a "want" bookmark folder and since Christmas is coming up (okay there's still a month, but Thanksgiving's over and now therefore it is socially acceptable to go all Christmassy) I decided I'd like to share it with all of you.
Plus, 96.5 radio station is now playing Christmas music again!
So without further ado, things that I want (+accompanying links bc you can order anything off the internet these days) and will drool over but probably will never buy

also didn't go Black Friday shopping so I think I'm entitled to spend a little money
ha ha no what is money

1. Fujifilm Instax MINI 7s White Instant Film Camera

Don't ask me why I want this, I just do. But since it's $62.90 (well I've got to say, it's sixty bucks cheaper than the Urban Outfitters price) and also requires uber-expensive film, I'm probably never going to get it. But look at it. It's so cute. And the pictures it takes are so adorable.

(Twin pack of film costs $12.98 so that's thirteen bucks for twenty pictures sob)

2. BDG Quarter-Strap High-Top Wedge-Sneakers (in black)

Have an irking feeling that (since these are from the Urban Outfitters website) these are very very overpriced. But I don't care bc they're beautiful. Honestly couldn't imagine wearing such high wedges unless they were in sneaker form so bAM SNEAKER WEDGES

(for $79.00 sob)

3. Ironman Mark VII iPhone 5 case

Alright yes yes as of YET, I do not own an iPhone. But it was promised and my parents are waiting till Cyber Monday for best deals o k a y we are cheap.

BUT THIS CASE IS NOT SOB

For $35, I can get a one-piece, impact resistant, flexible plastic hard case featuring an extremely slim profile. 

And a hole in my wallet.

4. "Light Painter" T-shirt (from Threadless)

This is the design on the shirt and omq it's sO CREATIVE

and right now (and for the rest of the weekend) IT'S ONLY $9.99 compared to $20 so plsplssplspssp

:C

Insert sadface.jpg here.

5. EXO-M/EXO-K "Mama" Mini Albums

YES I ALREADY HAVE EVERY SINGLE SONG ILLEGALLY DOWNLOADED ONTO MY IPOD BUT THIS IS DIFFERENT I actually want to support them by buying their CD wow you can measure a fan's love for their idol groups by how much merc they buy

this is wrong

BUT OWHALE

each CD is $13.99 rn from Yesasia. ugh dongsaeng fan is poor. 

Anyways, that concludes this year's *~~w a n t~~* list and we'll be checking back with you next year provided we're still alive and haven't sobbed ourselves into a grave of feels yet.

and none of you understand

i have talked to other people about this before
and those who do not know what i'm talking about (have never been to hong kong before) smile and nod, and nod
and those who do know of hong kong are tourists and sleep in hotels and go for the pretty clothes and the night markets and fun
and maybe those who live in hong kong will laugh at me and think that i'm romanticizing their city -- that when you get up close and personal with it that it is not much different from any city in the world
that if one were inclined to love a certain city that it is near impossible not to find things about it to love
but
i am so in love with everything that hong kong represents and every part of it even the mosquitoes
i am in love with the polluted air
i am in love with the hot swelter that presses down on everyone and makes the concentrated humanity in the city even more packed
i am in love with the details -- what makes up hong kong in the tiniest things
i am in love with the prerecorded voice on the MTR trains that say the exact same thing in polite cantonese, mandarin, and english
i am in love with the crowds on the streets bc it feels like you are never alone not even at 3 in the morning
i am in love with the blasting freezing super duper cold air conditioning that overcompensates for the summer humidity
i am in love with the towering apartment buildings
i am in love with the american tv shows that are shown and dubbed in cantonese
i am in love with the shade of red taxis that make up the highways like blood cells in blood vessels
i am in love with the skyline
i am in love with the lights
i am in love with the artificiality of it all
i am in love with everything that makes up what hong kong is
but i am not in love with hong kong
i am in love with the ideal
the image
the beautiful exterior the tourist traps the neon signs
but i am also in love with
the graffiti
the dust the dirt
the sweat
that cements hong kong and its people.
and none of you understand.

n o

we are a family of mistakes and regrets and broken dreams. we gloss over those mistakes, dwell endlessly on regrets, and try to force others to live our own lost dreams.

what is the use of pushing your children through years of piano and violin lessons when real desire to play is almost nonexistent?
I wanted to learn how to play the flute when I was younger. I wanted to learn how to play the cello. Anything instead of the violin. You told me to learn how to play the violin so I learned how to play the violin.

why do I need to have expectations for myself when everything I do can never measure up to yours?
you compare me endlessly with the children of your acquaintances, then tell me that I shouldn't compare myself to other people..
when other people do exceptionally well when I perform poorly, I must be a lazy stupid slob. when I do well compared to others, I shouldn't compare myself to other people.

who needs dreams when you have my life plan mapped out?
we do not have the same priorities because in the end, my main goal in life is to be happy. if I am happy as a saleswoman, as an elementary school teacher, as a doctor, then I will have fulfilled my goal. your priorities are first to get into a good university, and then grad school, and then several degrees for myself. and I am supposed to get a doctor's degree further on in life, because you did not and only got your master's.
am I supposed to fulfill your unfulfilled desires?

we are a family that was broken years ago. we try to fix it, glue the pieces back together with childish accomplishments (piano medals! 2320 sat!), smooth the edges with the appearance of having much. we hide the tears behind walls, yell until the neighbors hear, call the police on members of our own family.
we are not a family.

i'm a terrible person tbh

i think i have a problem
i like getting close to people
like
talking and chatting and hugging and texting them
and then i get bored
and then i usually just stop talking to them
and stop hanging out with them
and stop texting them

i'll be really close to someone
and then all of a sudden i start getting annoyed by their very presence
the way they talk
the way they walk
the way they act
it's too much
i need space
it's suffocating
why do they keep bothering me

and i forget that we used to be so close that before, i wouldn't think that this was "bothering", i'd think this was nice and the person was nice and
...this is a problem

this has happened with like three or four perfectly nice guys already
pls
h a l p
i need to get it together

j-fashion

today was the last day of school before Thanksgiving break and wow I am so glad I don't have to go to school but what do you know I have like 3 projects to do over break thank you so much teachers
and also I have a B+ in english which is supposed to be my best class but
looking on the bright side, 89 in english is my lowest grade out of all six classes so whoop de doo
anyways moving on bc school is dUMB (lately i have been capitalizing things weirdly after reading Paper Towns by John Green [which is a fantabulous book] and one of the characters says that capitalization is so unfair to the words in the middle and I agree wiTH HEr so here you go)

today was extended lunch bc of teachers having their whole diwali lunch or something and me and louisa and selena and victoria walked to mcd's and there were TWO cash registers so you'd think all the freshmen would know that there were TWO lines but nope everyone queued up nice and proper for one register and we just walked to the second register LOL
also when we came back we saw bobbert just walking so he went to a bench and we stalked followed him to the bench and then we sat down and then listened to "look at me now" HAHAHA and bobbert just slept
he looks so peaceful when sleeping maybe it's bc he takes off his glasses and his eyes are like really big (like eye sockets too idk wow i'm commenting on the shape of people's eye sockets while they're sleeping how creepy can i get pls)
moving
on

Okay so I saw these on my tumblr dash and I thought these tights were just amazing and I salivated over them for a long while but since they were like $12 on the tumblr store I thought well, I could be spending that money on other stuff, like food.
And then I closed the tab and forgot all about it UNTIL someone else on my tumblr dash, about a week later, posted a pic of them wearing those tights and then I was like omq must have SO long story short, I spent a long long time looking for that tumblr store but couldn't find it
but Albert helped and in the end I found a nice ebay store that sold them for $6 C: and FREE SHIPPING C: C: C: so THANK YOU ALBERT
also THANK YOU J. OH FOR HELPING ME ORDER C: C: C:

anyways here are my machine gun tights LOLLL
maybe I should delete my 'vanity' blog since I never use it bc being vain is really part of who I am y'know you may know my name but you don't knOW MY STOry

a very nice korean package lol even though it says it was shipped from china goOD JOB CHINa

i need a haircut and i need to lose about 443957 pounds of fat from my face before i have acceptable cheekbones

my legs look so fat in this picture  but what the hell i like my mocha frappes ok

so yeah here is my lame attempt at updating my blog which I have fallen behind on yes yes I know my life is so exciting
off to swim practice y'all
i'm going to drown myself in the pool so i don't have to go to the swim meet tomorrow

Janis writes poetry

here have some poems that I've written hur
they're pretty bad bc I can't rhyme tbh so I didn't even try and these are pretty much all prose
yep
enjoy
...


trust
i let you paint
all over me
let your fingers tiptoe
up and down the
diamonds of my spine
let you tuck a
wayward piece of hair
behind my ear
use your hands to
frame my face
tell me i was beautiful
let you think
you fell in love
with me.



opposites attract
i
told you my favorite color was blue
you
proceeded to buy me pink everything
light pink warm pink cold pink.



compare&contrast
i like the way your smile looks against your teeth
i like the way you look against your smile
i like the way i look against you.



waiting for a train
little jimmy
with his snaggletooth overalls and his buckled lisp
sits on the bench at the subway station
waiting for small miracles,



(i believed you)
you found a way
underneath my skin
poison into
blue-green veins
ice threading curling tightening
around crumbling ribs
grasped my anatomically correct heart and squeezed
told me the pain was love.



???
what do you want out of this relationship you say
 and i say nothing but i show you this

and you say nothing too.



(                                                          )
warm wicker, sunny green
long shadows, chasing feet
here is the place where i love(d) you.

soft pale, stiff collars
creamy beige, floral shoes
here is the place where i love(d) you.

bright talk, red lips
red cheeks, brighter eyes
here is the place where i love(d) you.

large hats, fashionable scarves
harsh frames, fuzzy sweaters
here is the place where i love(d) you.

uncertain ridges, small feet
muted face, hungry bones
here is the place where i love you.



cigarette kisses
if i stretch out far enough maybe
the laws of space and time will take pity on us and bend just far enough for us    
to                                    
                                                    touch

but for now there is nothing to say that has not already been said
you hold out a lighter on the other side of the world
i hold out an unlit cigarette
touch it to the screen’s flames
strike a quick match light it out of sight
inhale out, exhale in until the smoke bumps against my pixelly face and closes in upon your pretty face
slowly gently caresses you.
have i ever told you that i’m jealous of the smoke? i hold out my own lighter and wait for you to light your cigarette
out of sight, out of mind
not as jealous as i am, i tilt my face up to receive phantom wreaths of kisses
really? slow breaths long drags
really. 
i freeze frame this moment
label it ‘longing’ in my mind
file it away for dust to collect on top until
one day
maybe
you’ll be here to blow it off
with the taste of your cigarette smoke in my mouth.



melon-choly
i want to
leave this place
and all the people that i
may or may not love
carry a
thousand book library
with me
and leave
the world
behind.

can you feel nostalgic for
something that
you’ve never known?

i could read a
thousand books about melons
if you were with me
if you were content to sit awhile
and smile honey dew rinds at me.

#election2012

Obama was re-elected and that is all

was worried for a while there but then California and its 55 electoral votes ok whoop BAM

I may have spent a few hours laughing and reblogging the things on my dashboard
I may also have spent a good chunk of time finding and customizing a new theme but now I'm happy with it so
Also I may have been goofing off while supposedly studying bio but I have a 99% right now so hashtag yolo swag
(I may come to regret this decision in the future)
but Obama was re-elected and that is all