weird trains of thought

Sitting here in my stupid messy room drinking stupid caffeinated green tea (well, it's not non-caffeinated, so I'm guessing it's caffeinated, and all the caffeine from all the cups of tea I've been drinking makes my entire body beat, not just my heart) and listening to stupid songs that remind me of you.

I blame Albert for getting me back into stupid caffeinated tea because today during school he had a thermos of hot black tea and he let me drink some and oh god it was heaven on earth for those few moments that caffeine and hot and tea and mmmm

and then it was bad.

Well, I can't really blame Albert. Why do I always say that? Why do I always say "I blame ______ for _____"? It's not really so&so's fault. It's my own fault and I'm trying to pin it on others so I can't pin the blame on myself for getting caffeinated off caffeinated green tea.

It's not even about the green tea. What is it about?

So anyways, yes I have made a playlist titled with your name and all the songs that remind me of you (or that you said reminded you of me) are in it and when I'm feeling like a stupid sap I listen to it.

Which ofc means that I've been listening to said playlist nonstop for the past two days.

Have some lyrics of some songs that I really like for no good reason (and punctuated weirdly because I like to add punctuation to song lyrics because it's so unfair to deprive them of commas and periods and question marks don't you think? Well that's what I think so deal.)

"Is this the place we used to love? Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?"

"So tell me when you're going to let me in, I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin."

"This can't be the end of everything, so why don't we go somewhere only we know?"

"Gonna leave this ghost town, gonna tear these walls down. I will never look back, with the wind at my back: don't give up on us now."

"'Cause if I'm restless then why do I, I want nothing but to rest my soul? And I don't get this and I know why; you see, sometimes things are just beyond control."

"And now all your love is wasted, then who the hell was I?"

"Leeeeeeeeeaving soooooooooo sooooooooooooooon, soooooooooooooooooooooon?"

(+10 cool points for you if you recognize all of these songs.)

On another topic, lately I've also been wondering whether I'm 'mean'. 'Mean'? What does that even mean? (ha ha 'mean'/mean okay don't hate me that was completely unintentional) But seriously. I asked Louisa whether she would consider me 'mean' and she said "well, I guess you're okay?" I know I'm often kind of sarcastic and shut people down but I usually don't mean anything I say (paper towns! paper people. paper girl. btw Paper Towns by John Green is currently my favorite book so you should go read that. Well, after you finish reading this blog post.) and lately I've been concerned with what people think of me (how stupid) but wow, weird self-conscious urges. Maybe it has something to do with how I asked anons to describe me in three words and this anon said "funny, outgoing, unique" which is good, really, and I like it because it's actually an accurate description. Then I liked someone's LMS status for stuff and someone said my best feature is that I'm "hilarious". Is being funny the only thing I'm known for? (I don't even think I'm funny because most of my 'humor' is either bad puns or making sarcastic comments about someone/something) Not that that's a bad thing. If I had to have some distinguishing characteristics, funny's about as good as you can get. But I'm so bad and awkward at giving advice or consoling people (listening, I can do. but I can't empathize easily (´Д｀。) so it's weird when people rant to me and expect me to say stuff in return) that I might come off as cold/unwilling to listen? JANJAN IS WILLING TO LISTEN I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY also if I make fun of you that means I like you enough to bother making fun of you k.

I also feel like I'm never the first choice for anyone. Everyone's got their best friends, the ones they've known "since before they were born", things in common they can bond over (pokemon showdown! melee!) but I'm just there like hay gaize. Maybe I'm just being insecure............

Okay this is becoming way too melancholy and almost becoming a feel-sorry-for-myself post and I hate those so let's stop now.

ARE MY TRAINS OF THOUGHT TOO WEIRD OR ;~~; sad days. I actually wrote this post out of order (jumping from subject to subject because that's how I think [my English teachers deplore my lack of organization in ICEs] lol) and then cut/pasted portions together to group this post into some kind of sense.

Eh.

Have a picture of me. (bc when bloggers run out of interesting things to say they just post gpoys of themselves tbh)

Green teeeeeeeeeeeea. My matcha refuses to rise from the bottom of the cup (Disney! Mickey!) no matter how much I swirl it. Sad days.
Also, yes, green nails and green tea and greeeeeeeeeeeeeen. Mmmm.

Time to study for my math test tomorrow. Whee. p(´⌒｀｡q) (also I've found a Japanese text emoticon website lol these are too much fun omq)

ALSO that moment when you follow someone who's "tumblr famous" and then they follow you back and you're like omq ლ(́◉◞౪◟◉‵ლ) I have been considered a koalaty blog~*~
it doesn't hurt that the "tumblr famous" person is this really attractive bi guy who's a bottle blonde Asian and really attractive and did I mention he's attractive? also he has a boyfriend so that's cute c:

him (left) w/ bf.
wow I want the boyfriend's hair LOL he's not even Asian but he pull off dat pretty boi hair
wow it is so weird when attractive blonde Asians follow you

OK BYE