what

I like you.
But I don't know what you want, or what you feel, or what to do, or what to say, and now I feel like I've been playing a fool all along.
Can you do me a favor, and tell me straight up what you feel? Otherwise I'm left here picking up signals one after the other. Mixed, dropped all over the place, you're driving me crazy.
I can take it if you don't feel the same way as I do. What I can't take is if you lead me on, consciously or not. Whether you know it or not -- I'm dying because of all the awkwardness.
One reason I'm so awkward around you is because I don't know what you feel, or what you're thinking, and I don't want you to hate me, or think I'm stupid, so I don't say anything.
(wow that reason sounds really stupid once I type it all out)
(I don't know)
(it's just the way I feel)
and there's more stuff but I don't really want to think about it. What I want to do right now is cry, lie down, and let my troubles trample all over me.
Isn't that what I always do, anyways? Let my troubles devour me? Maybe that's why life doesn't ever give me a break. I don't fight hard enough for it.

I was so happy today but now I feel like all that happyness was premature.

happy day

so happy today omg it's ridiculous
c:
although I am awk by nature... please forgive me.
I think I'll let the memes speak for me.

yesterday during 6th, gah no pictures.
lunch date today, so cute omq

today after 2nd, good thing no pictures and barely anyone paid
attention to me. and also the Michael in question is Michael LIU lol
so many people asked me if it was Michael Sui .__.

today after school, LOUISA'S GOT PICS, SO CUTE <3
TOLD YOU NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT HAH

aren't you two cute d'awwww

Kyle - flautist
Michael - percussionist
Arthur -saxophonist

Now if only Victoria and Louisa would ask someone :P

so nervous

I am alternately happy
and worried
and afraid
and nervous
but back to happy.
but nervous.

and my face looks fat right now omq

what do I dooooooo

it's crooked. omg.

you have enough anger for both of us

You always tell me that I shouldn't compare myself to other people.
Like when I say, "The entire class did horribly on this test!" or "I got the highest grade in the entire class!"
But when I get a bad grade on a test or a quiz (it's always for math) then oooooh, let's compare you to people who are good at math!
"You got a B?! Wow! _______ and ______ never had any trouble with math."
"Why you get such low score?! So and so's son got all A's and he said it was easy!"
"You so lazy compared to so and so!"

But oh, heaven forbid I ever compare myself to someone who's not better than me. No, I can't feel better about myself, because I am so bad at mathematics and that's the only thing that matters! A for Asian! You get A in what? Hah? English? History? Every other subject? Who care? You get da B in math!

You could take a conversation about freaking Jeremy Lin and turn it back to my horrible grade in math, and how I'm so lazy, and how I'm useless, and how I'll never get into a good college, and how I'll be oh so depressed, and work for minimum wage, all because in my sophomore year I got a C on a test!

I'm being hysterical, and teary, and a little crazy. Don't mind me. Let me rant and cry in peace.

can you tell that I like Japanese fiction

Books I want to read:

• The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson (and the rest of the series, if I find the first book not too creepy)
• 1Q84 by Haruki Murakami
• Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami
• The Wind-up Bird Chronicle by Haruki Murakami
• South of the Border, West of the Sun by Haruki Murakami
• The Picture of Dorian Grey by Oscar Wilde (not just because I have to, for English -- but because it's actually interesting, and the characters talk in different strange point of views)
• The Woman in the Dunes by Kobo Abe
• Ghostwritten: A Novel in Nine Parts by David Mitchell
• Out by Natsuo Kirino (if I stop getting creeped out by the cover...)

the bottom of my eye hurts just looking at this picture =___=

• The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown
• The Help by Kathryn Stockett
• Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen
• The Notebook by Nicholas Sparks (JUST to see what all the hype is about. .__. I'm not such a big fan of romances... prefer the surrealistic contemp novels)
• Dear John by Nicholas Sparks (same reason as above^)
• The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini
• The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls
• The Secret Life of Bees by Sue Monk Kidd
• This Lullaby by Sarah Dessen

Yeah... in order of books I want to read the most to books that I've heard of and sound interesting.

SCHOOL LIBRARY WHY MUST YOU ONLY CARRY ONE HARUKI MURAKAMI BOOK WAEEE

And I never get it when people say that they hate reading or that they never read unless it's for school.

What a shame.

I had the hardest time spelling 'scratching'

I never quite know what to do with my time anymore. It sits a little too heavy on my hands, presses in around me from all directions.
I pull out my earphones, attach them to my laptop, blast Skrillex into my ears until it almost feels like I'm going deaf. So I can't hear the quiet, the time, whatever reminds me that I'm wasting my life away.
Now my sister is scratching away at the piano, tapping out harmonious classical pieces, a music box melody with no feeling and no expression behind the carefully painted notes.
It contrasts strangely with the dubstep: all sharp angles and beats and noise, really (but there's feeling behind the noise, real feeling, raw energy) -- one assaulting me from inside while the polished, boring, planned out tones (dry, practiced too many times) try to knock down the walls I have put up.
I prefer my loud, headache-inducing dance music.

is this a poem or an essay

It says a lot when I don't feel anything anymore. All your criticisms, unfair conclusions, hypocrisy -- I don't hear it. Like my fourth grade teacher once said of me: in one ear and out the other.
Does that mean a lot? It certainly shows how unpredictable your moods can be. They change and shift multiple times an hour.
Willful, foolish child; headstrong mother figure who only sees things one way. Black/white with no hint of grey: two people who couldn't see things more differently, from similar point of views.
I am eating away the emptiness inside, eating until I cannot stand it anymore.
I weigh myself over and over again, and no one notices except the scale. It tells me, in a detached sort of way, that I am no good to myself and of no use to anyone else.