dammit

Lately, I've realized something.

I am really, really, really shallow. I care (almost obsessively) about appearances and how I look and how people see me and what people think of me. And what they think shouldn't affect me, because they're strangers, after all, no matter how much they talk about my neon green pants or the fact that my hair is suddenly tangerine. I do these things (wear spiky bracelets, floral bodycon dresses, etc.) because I want to, and not according to anyone else's fashion trends or opinions on what 'should be worn' and what 'shouldn't be worn'. But still. I hate it when people talk about me behind my back, judge me by what I'm wearing, by what color my hair is because they don't know me, yet they're making rude statements about me behind my back. Don't even have the balls to say it to my face. And when they do, it's always silly inane stupid comments like.

"Your pants are green."

"Whoa your pants are so bright."

"Your pants are bright green."

"Janis. Your pants. They're green."

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOA, YOU DON'T SAY?

Another thing is yes, I do constantly check my reflection in ... anything that's reflective and yes that comes off as vain and silly and yes I am vain and silly, thanks.

I also do wipe my face with oil blotting sheets because HOLY SHIT, MY FACE IS OILY WHOOOOOOOA. The oil blotting sheets are NOT wax paper. Yes, I'm wiping my face. Yes, this is what I do. Yes, unless you'd like my face to look like a huge oil slick.

Finally, I spend my time being shallow and trying to be kawaii and all and part of the reason is because I'm losing motivation to do anything or become anything. 

Part of the reason that I'm losing motivation is because I'm drifting away from people and things and God. I've taken a long time to figure this out but I finally figured out that I don't really fit in anywhere unless it's with a certain group of people and sooner or later (in like two years, in fact) I'll be alone again so really I'm just purchasing material goods to fill up loneliness and drowning my sorrows in green tea instead of praying to God.

Why am I not praying to God? Part of the reason for THAT is because I have no friends in church. Or Bible study. Or fellowship. Or anything. 

Okay, I have friends. I mean, no one hates me or anything and I don't hate them but I'm not comfortable with anyone. I don't fit in. Again. During Bible study I don't get it. Everyone else is seeing something from another point of view but I'm still lagging behind with 'basic concepts' and not seeing what everyone else is seeing. I guess I'm too late to try and fit in...? So I don't go to Friday night fellowship and I don't go to Christian club (too tired? too lazy?) and I don't go to Bible study sessions and I don't

I don't even pray anymore and I guess that's what's been bothering me. In being so sure that I don't fit in I've distanced myself even more and I just get so surprised whenever anyone wants to talk to me at church and I stepped away from God and 

I have so many troubles and issues that are miniscule, really, when you look at the big picture but I never want to look at the big pictures, just focus on the detailed problems, because I'm so concerned with grades and appearances and 

not even grades I don't understand anything I'm so stupid

so I resort to appearances and
then I have problems with PEOPLE
people
I hate people
they make me so confused and I want them to go away for a little bit because dammit I have problems you're my friends why don't you see
oh wait because you don't care right
also I am shit at masking emotions so when I'm having a bad day I just don't talk because I'm sure that if I had to respond to some stupid comment another stupid person said I'd blow up in their faces and probably make my problems even bigger

fuck