on fickleness

So as many of you probably know, I usually have very long crushes. Slash obsessions. Like over the span of several years............ long. And then I'll be crazy about that guy for that amount of time. But I'll also have like one or two other guys that I think are cute/am attracted to their looks.
It's always been like this. Mainly fangirling over this one boy while still stealing peeks at other guys too. Just like the way I fangirl over Korean pop stars, actually................
Anyways.
This year I find that I've kind of changed. It might have started over last year too, freshman year, starting high school and all that crap.
But I've just started like switching crushes around. Getting an intense fangirl moment every time I see someone cute, then forgetting about them until I see them again. Not really liking anyone in particular. But also getting jealous over someone who's not mine, and probably don't even have feelings for that person except like...... friend rights. You know what I'm talking about, right? Like when you have a best male friend and then that male friend gets like a girl or starts dating and all of a sudden you don't have a best friend anymore. That girl's totally stolen him away and if you try to talk to him, even explain to his gf that you're just friends, she'll get jealous and like try to ruin your friendship.
That sort of thing. That sort of 'jealous over friend rights/time' thing.
But not really liking anyone.
And this year it's............ kind of been confusing. Although I think I've finally got my priorities straight, at least for a little bit. I've been texting this guy all the time and people keep thinking that sooner or later we're going to get together but a few weeks/months ago, I realized that I didn't like him. And I finally got a concrete answer (although dunno if it's........... really concrete; what does 'not really' mean???) and now I'm feeling relieved. Relieved because.... it'd be even more awk, I guess, if he liked me and I didn't?
Another part of the reason I found out that I didn't like him was because I sort of liked/was attracted to another guy.
.........which shouldn't be that big of a deal, since I'm always attracted to lots of cute guys besides, but this was....... sort of different. Plus I wasn't looking for dating/relationships anyways, but ...... I'm getting off topic and this is going nowhere.
OH
YES HE JUST SAID SOMETHING THAT CLEARS UP EVERYTHING YES

me: why am i so fickle

9:59 PM him: Fickle?

  How so?

 me: i dunno

  i think i like this guy but i also think other people are so cute and have mini obsessions over them

10:00 PM plus i keep switching liking different guys

 him: I think James Bond had a similar problem.

10:04 PM me: hm/

 him: Also.

  I think most human teenagers have a similar problem.

10:07 PM me: yeah.......

10:10 PM him: :D

10:11 PM me: ..........

  nope this is even more awk

 him: D:

  Is it?

  Why?

 me: maybe it's just me

  i feel

  like

  .............

  it is

  awk

  hmmmmmm

  what am i

  to you?

10:13 PM him: You are a pretty Janis who I like talking to, but our personalities

  don't really

  well

  click.

 me: oh

  well you put it

  perfectly

  why didn't i ask you this before

  you could have like

  cleared up my confusion

 him: I think it had something to do with awkwardness.

 me: right.

 him: Wait, what confusion?

  Why confusion?

10:14 PM D:

 me: yeah because

  i like

  thought i liked you

  but

  .........then was like

  more attracted to another guy

  who was

  .............more

  clicky

  so confused

  for about a week

10:15 PM him: D:

  But the confusion's gone now, right?

 me: mhm.

10:16 PM thank you.

 him: Good! :D

Anyways. Bottom line. I like a guy other than him, and he comes with a whole lot of other problems too, so I'm glad I can like......... have this whole other thing off my back and focus on deciding whether I like this boy enough to deal with his problems.
Oh, and if he likes me too.
Fun stuff, young love.

GATSBYYY

Hello.
Got my Gatsby moving rubber wild shake today from Mark, my official middle man LOL. He went to Marina and got it for me c: c: c:

so after applying and all that stuff....
PICTURE TIME!

yes I'm a camwhore lol.
gatsby smells sooo good. like green apples. or candied green apples, hmm.
also it makes my hair very very fluffy and volumized and pretty.
Anyways loving the Gatsby and dunno how long it'll last but that's ok I've got hairspray! planning to wear this look tomorrow c:

SWIM TEAM PICS

so swim team picture day is about one of the funnest days in all of swim season. hands down. yes.

besides official fancy schmancy team photos of course, there's people with nice ass cameras to take wonderfully derpy pictures.

all pictures pc: Annaliese and taken off of Facebook. 

as usual, click for larger photo!

me and jeremy. my shoulder muscles omq

JV girls + Cory + Morten!!! (plus my ear cuff haha it STANDS OUT)

me and Steven oh my arms oh

"ASIAN GIRL POSE" (after the "INDIAN" and the "WHITE GIRL" pics..... LOL)

LANE FOUR GIRLS, AND THE ONLY ONES THAT MATTER HAH just keeds

so this started out as a four person photo and people kept coming in hahaaaa. lol chris kim le derping on the side

nisha loves me, hella bonding in lane 4 and complaints haaa wow i'm hella brown and muscled look at my back dude

adrienne's hella cute and so's asia in the background LOOOOOOOL

hella cute ex-CUDA kids. LOL AMY'S 'D' IS BACKWARDS HAHAAA

and then I was photobombing a few pictures............
alright fine here it is major derp

i can't even look at it. "JANIN"

"JANOUT"

okay
so yeeeeeeah the guys also went on their speedo run! me and alisha and annaliese and asia and tara stayed at school and finally when alisha's dad came to pick us up the guys were just coming back! c: saw them come back and waved through the car windows, hahah. they all looked up at us waving from the car and started laughing/waving back omq
AUSTIN WHALEY'S THE NEW "RIDICULOUSLY PHOTOGENIC GUY"

in which I explain my fascination with physical contact

(or tries to)
I want to sleep with someone.
Okay, now everyone reading this -- get your mind out of the gutter this instant. >:C I'm ashamed of the lot of you.
In my mind, the definition of "sleeping with someone" is more like sleeping next to them. Just cuddling. Or even not. Not even spooning or being all that close, really. Just sharing the same bed, getting a sort of comfort from the knowledge that someone's next to you and wants you to be there and won't be judging you.
I don't know. It appears that I have this....... for lack of better words, "urge" for physical contact. Totally innocent physical contact, I remind you. Just like........ hugs, sitting on people, having someone pick you up bridal style, piggy back rides.
........
......
....
yes I am AWARE of how much I sound like a pervert but seriously, in my mind, this is all totally innocent. Like five-year-old innocent naivete. So I will try to continue without feeling uncomfortable.

First. Hugs.
I really like hugs.
Yes.
With girls, yes, because they usually don't squeak or back off or run away screaming, but mostly with guys. Okay. This is because guys (the ones that don't squeak or back off or run away screaming) give very nice, warm, long hugs. (Girls are more of the...... quick side hug variety.) Guys, on the other hand, give nice hugs. I don't know how to describe it. And since they're almost always taller than me, I have to tiptoe to put my arms around them and so it feels sort of............ vulnerable, I guess. Then when someone gives me a warm hug, not loose and sort of "when does this end" vibe-y hug, I feel nice. And comforted. I guess. Comforted from what, you say? I don't know. I really.... don't know. I just feel happy. Happier. Which is also if you are a guy, and you are taller than me, and you give nice hugs, you get +321832098438 good friend points in my mind. I am subconsciously awarding you these points.

Second. Sitting on people.
This is mostly during swim season/swim meets, because that's where I usually sit on people.
But sometimes I sit on Victoria during orchestra when there's no nearby available chairs and I'm too lazy to go get one myself.
But she's a little too skinny and I feel like I'm breaking her or something like that so it's not very comfortable but whatever there's no awkwardness.
So on to swim meet events. At swim meets there's almost no available chairs because not everyone has a chair. Therefore, people end up sitting on other people's chairs or on other people.
Sometimes I sit on other girls like Melissa but she's about the same weight as I am so it's tiring for her. Plus she has long distance events to swim so I refrain from squashing her leg muscles with my "bony ass".
Yes, my ass has been called bony many times. By the people I sit on.
Moving on, last swim meet I sat on Steven because all chairs were full and it was freaking 90 degrees and I didn't want to stand and sweat. And he's so freaking skinny. Skinnier than I am. Waaaay skinnier. So I was trying to sit on him/get more comfortable (because there's like NO LAP SPACE OK) and then he was saying stuff like "that's my balls" "your bony ass is poking into my thigh" "ow" "my thigh" "your bony ass" "stop" so I was like ok fine whatever and then I finally found a ... niche where I could sit comfortably and his thighs could breathe
but the point is that it wasn't awkward. Like I didn't feel any obligation to... do anything or whatever. and swim team accepted it like "ok Janis likes sitting on people alright"
and then I go and sit on Jeremy because he's fatter than Steven
and has a wider lap
and that feels nicer
although he also complains about my bony ass
and then I fall asleep on him
and then Chris Kim takes a picture and posts it on the JV facebook wall -_____-
but THE POINT IS, I feel comfortable enough with these people that I can sit on them, and even sleep on them, without feeling awkward. this is very important for me. non-awkwardness. yes. and I don't know, because me and Jeremy and me and Steven are really just "good friends", yes. this is my relationship with these two guys. "Good friends", or in Jeremy's words, "friends that sit on each other and are not awkward = good friends"
so yeah. It felt nice sleeping on Jeremy. (in a totally PLATONIC WAY, BTW)

Third. Having someone pick you up bridal style.
it just makes you feel.... safe. I don't know. loved. nice.
today Steven was in the pool with us JV kids and he picked me up bridal style and then it felt nice to be
picked up
and
comforted somehow. I don't know. every time a guy that I know and TRUST and am COMFORTABLE WITH picks me up/hugs me I feel nice. happier.
jfkdlsjf am I making sense.

So fourth, piggy back rides, sort of goes along with numba three so we can schloomp those two categories together.

anyways, I hope I have given you people some insight into the way my mind works (INNOCENTLY ENOUGH MOST OF THE TIME, SURPRISINGLY) and why I like hugs and sitting on people. which can be totally platonic on my side, even if most of the hugs/sitting on people are towards people of the opposite gender, I just want to be loved.
In a friendly unawk way.

EAR CUFF

my very first pair haha. saw a few pics on Tumblr and instantly fell in love c: although didn't order/think of buying any until last week! went on etsy and basically searched up some nice, cheap ones. shops also had very positive feedback so I got a friend to order online for me and got them today!
here are some nice pics.

ah acne scars ah

left earring + half of my face that I don't like

right ear cuff + half of face that i do like

yay flattering camera angles yay

you see i tend to take pics with favoring right side of face lol

yeah so thanks so much Brian for ordering from etsy for me! I really really really gusta.
very much.
(yes after spring break swim practice i am now blacker than a lot of my Indian friends. /shakes head/)

this is what i do on sundays

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L4Xtgv2n3RY

One Thing - One Direction [COVER]
/don’t even want to listen to myself
recorded in one take which is why i sound kinda funny LOOOOOOOOOOL and my high notes and scratchy because i didn’t warm up/am recovering from a sore throat :c i remember we were all singing one direction songs at the swim meet yesterday
omq
i'm so out of tune
ouch

Liveblogging from Inkigayo live stream 120422

• /opens window
• Who is this
• Judging from the side comments I think it’s BTOB
• They have a funny name and too many members too much work to remember their names
• I had enough trouble trying to memorize EXO’s names
• Although they’re kinda cute
• Insane insane INSANE
• Where’s EXO omq can you please come out I want to sleep
• Ok they’re done
• Um ok hi IU and Goo Hara you’re qts
• Who’s that other girl
• Does she matter
• Nope
• Okay next
• These guys in white
• Bubbles why are there floating bubbles
• These guys are opening their mouths so wide what if they choke on soap and bubbles
• Ok they’re done
• Now it’s NU’EST
• I actually liked their song it’s catchy
• And they have nice voices/dancing/looks
• Ooh chair dancing huh and fire in the background
• Look it’s Ren the guy who’sprettier than any other girl
• Is he wearing a spiked hair band
• That’s hot
• #realmenwearpinkandspikedaccessories
• Wow that was a real man hip swing there
• Nice crotch shots, cameraman
• /yawn
• Ooh chair spinning wow do you think you’re fancy
• Who’s Nell
• Wtf
• No not a slow song prz I’m going to fall asleep right here
• I’m sacrificing my beauty sleep for you EXO-K I hope you know that
• Is the lead singer wearing pink lip gloss
• Rock that lip color mm
• /yawn
• Why is there an ad
• God good thing the ad’s during Nell
• If there was one during EXO-K’s perf I would die
• Who’s this
• Oh it’s 4MINUTE
• I only know that because Hyuna’s there
• The girl with short blonde hair’s cute
• Hyuna’s freaking skinny
• KOLEA KOLEA
• OOH B1A4 I like I like
• Listening to the fanchants I’m guessing the fans like too
• Hi Baro you have a nice deep rapping voice damn you almost sound like TOP wut
• Hi Jinyoung you’re beautiful
• Mm Sandeul
• /yawn
• Gongchaaaaaaan
• That pink print jacket looks lovely on you
• Man everyone’s looking nice in pink today
• Your roots are growing out you need more chemicals to fry your hair
• Is CNU the tallest idk I don’t really like long hair on guys
• I really don’t know who that purple haired girl is on the far left
• Am I supposed to
• I feel bad now
• It looks like there’s a scorpion sting growing out of the back of IU’s head
• She’s so pale damn
• They’re all so pale damn
• Goo Hara’s waist damn
• Who IS that girl
• YES SHE MENTIONED EXO K ARE THEY COMING UP
• Lol all the fans screamed so hard when she mentioned EXO-K
• wait
• ……no
• There’s this girl group I don’t really care about they sound annoying
• Are they doing the chicken dance
• Hair flip hair flip you flip dat hair
• Ouch overly autotuned background music
• Girl with platinum blonde lesbian haircut looks nice though
• Ok can you go  away you’re annoying goddamn
• /yawn
• I’m sorry for being so rude I’m just tired and waiting for my EXO-K
• Got my hopes up but now there’s this girl group that’ll never make it big anyways why are they here gojfdksl;akfdj
• They’re grating on my nerves
• What kind of dance moves are those this is not the sixties for god’s sake
• Are they done
• Nope
• Fuck
• One more chorus
• Prz
• Yes finally
• …………..no
• GODFJKSLDAJ ;LKJASLFDJK;KK
• …..who are they again………
• YES MY EXO-K YES YES YES YES YES
• HELLO D.O.
• HELLO GORGEOUS VOICE HELLO HIGH NOTES
• NO CRACK THIS TIME LOL
• OOOOH THE FANSCREAMS
• HELLO KAI
• HELLO KAI’S BICEPS
• MMMMMM THE FANCHATS ARE DAEBAK FJKDSL;A
• HELLO BAEKHYUN
• STILL GOT THAT GUYLINER I SEE
• HELLO SU HO
• HELLO KAI
• HELLO KAI’S GOLD TASSELED SHIRT
• DOESN’T LU HAN HAVE A WHITE TASSELED SHIRT
• OOH MMMM CROTCH DANCE MOVES
• MAMA FINGER LICKIN’ GOOD
• THAT’S HOT
• KEEP DOING WHATEVER YOU’RE DOING BECAUSE THAT’S HOT
• FANCHANTSSSSSSS
• HOPPING
• HOT STUFF
• SCREAMING
• MAMA SHUFFLE DANCE
• KAI
• CHANYEOL
• HELLO
• WELL
• D.O.’S HIGH NOTES
• KAI’S MAMA MOANS
• OMQ
• THEY’RE KNEELING
• IT’S OFFICIAL I’M IN LUST WITH THESE SIX ATTRACTIVE BEINGS
• YES
• BAEKHYUN MMMMMM
• TENDONS STICKING OUT ON YOUR NECK LOL
• CROTCH MOVES
• HOPS
• MMMMM
• Goodbye EXO-K
• Now it’s 4MINUTE
• Hi Hyuna
• /closes window

ok so I am officially an EXOTIC I have learned all of the boy's names and can more or less tell them/their voices apart. ehehehehe although I'm still more of an EXO-M fan much love goes to EXO-K! they might have lots of stages but EXO-M has all the cute interviews <3

also yes thiswas a sad poor attempt at actually LIVEBLOGGING so I was typing these comments as my actual real reactions to whatever was livestreaming from Inkigayo! c: which is probably why I sound a bit psycho..........
c:

mangoes

yes this is a post composed entirely about me eating mangoes
so if you know me in real life you probably know that mangoes are my favorite fruit
and i have been salivating for mangoes since this morning at school
i was like
mangoes
and then i got home
and well

amikawaiiyet

you see this intensely guilty look on my face

i think there's one last mango left in the fridge
happy hunger games
and may the mangoes be ever in your favor

time to say goodbye

to my tangerine hair.
today bought palty deep black hair dye.

what a scary sight

last picture of orange hair before I go dye my hair

today went to volunteer and everyone was like "WOAH I ALMOST DIDN'T RECOGNIZE YOU YOUR HAIR OMQ"
well today it's goin' back to black gaise
just like that Amy Winehouse song
mmmm

ORANGE MORANGE SPORANGE

so yes I have decided to dye my hair back to black.
because
I hate it when people stare at me, or more accurately, my orange hair. now I know that it's stupid to worry about what other people think, but when people think disparaging comments towards my hair, they won't keep it to themselves, nooooooooooooooo. they have to tell my mother "oh your daughter's hair is SOOOOOO weird" or "wow did you know your daughter's blonde now huh" WELL FOR YOUR INFORMATION I'M NOT BLONDE just orange
in case you missed that day in kindergarten where they were teaching colors

THIS IS NOT BLONDE.
yes I am aware my hair looks dead and horrible but that's because I go swimming 5 days a week 2 and a half hours a day okay chlorine is a bitch
so

hey guys I'm Taemin

hey guys I'm Jonghyun

freaking goggle tan

hey guys I'm Kris

hey guys I'm Justin Bieber

new post

well, not on this blog
well this is kind of a new post on this blog
BUT
I'm referring you to my other blog because I just came back from spending the day at Valley Fair with friends and I have a shopping haul post upppp!
so check it out.
and I'm probably going to dye my hair soon so I'm going to post pics and stuff about that later too c:

oh cats

I guess what I've been trying to say all this time is that I'm still not quite sure how you feel. I've been hiding behind routine 'Good morning's and sticking to what I know and steering carefully away from what I really want to ask you because I was kind of hurt when you said that you didn't know how you felt.
Which was quite stupid of me, I know, because you can't help how you feel or don't feel. It would just be nice to like someone and have them like me back, at the same time -- instead of how I'm left to fall in and out of obsessions alone.
Are you an obsession? I don't know. All I know is that you're cute and you're funny and I would like to watch scary movies with you, although I get scared really easily. And I'd spend most of the movie with eyes wide and hands covering mouth to keep from screaming and if a white-faced, long-haired girl ghoul appeared quite suddenly I could bury my face in your shoulder and
I could spend all day with you.
I guess I'm leaving out the fact that I'm so very awkward with you around and I think it may be vice versa because you make me nervous and I'm trying very hard to be comfortable around you but isn't it supposed to be effortless? At least that's what bad fanfictions and sappy romance-y dramas taught me and you could call me an idealistic romantic because that's what I am. Maybe I have to lower my expectations and get rid of some of the residual sappiness within me because I still don't know what I want, and I really don't know what you want or feel because when we talk we don't talk about these things.
When you ask me if there's anything I would like to talk about, I always want to ask but I never do because I'm scared and nervous and too awkward really.

On the other hand there are a few cute and funny guys that I know and I always do think about whether I could like one of these guys because they are also very attractive but I don't know they're kind of friendzoned right now and you are a little bit as well because my own awkwardness isn't letting me be more comfortable with you D: D: D:
oh boys
oh
I'll just sit here
and buy a cat
or a few hundred

why hello

before I start this post may I direct your attention to this true butt-spiration. Go ahead. Click it. And then rape the replay button LULULULL
Why can't my body look like hers D:
Why can't my face look like hers D:
Why can't I be her D:
Okay moving on. So today's post is probably going to be a mishmash of random things but that's okay because I always post random things. Right? right.
Today's the first day of spring break and NO, I'm not bored yet because I have a lot of stuff to do =^= First off, my dad woke me up at 7 just to mess with me. -___- I pulled the covers back over my head and slept till 10. Then I had to go to swim practice. Also I have troubles with the weather here. It looks sunny and nice and WARM, right? until you step out of the door OTL and the wind's like WFWFOWOOOOSHS WOFOWOFOOOSH WFWOFOOOOOSH OH YOU THOUGHT IT WAS WARM WELL NOPE YOU THOUGHT WRONG TWTTTOOTWFOFOSOFOSHFHS COOLD BORRURDR BRRRRR KWROSHROFOOSH HOSHF HS H HFH HDSH H H

mm.

lol my face when I realized it was a video and not a picture
real picture this time

I don't know actually

Why does my face look so red???
I don't know, maybe swimming for TWO HOURS IN THE HOT BURNING TANNING HORRIBLE SUN TURNS YOUR FACE RATHER RED
but my hair looks naice
:D
and speaking of hair, I really wanna go dye me hair again but I want to try out Palty, this Asian brand of hair dye instead of the other brands like Garnier Fructis because apparently Palty works best on Asian/black/dark hair sooooooo
hmmm to dye or not to dye
because right now me hair be short right so since I am le swimming all day every day for 'hell week' next week, the sun + chlorine might make le brown streaks in my hair :o
which could be pretty cool so when people ask me if my hair's natural I can say yes c:
BECAUSE APPARENTLY EVERYONE THINKS THAT CHLORINE'S LIKE SOME MAGICAL SHIT THAT HIGHLIGHTS HAIR LIKE BLEACH OK
see reference post somewhere back when I posted some thing like that too lazy to go look for it now :P
so I have like three options right now

1. stay home and do shit
2. stay home and don't do shit (torrented The Hunger Games so I'm gonna watch that in a bit
3. stay home and don't bike to CVS because don't dye hair and wait for la highlights....?
4. stay home and don't bike to CVS because bye la hair dye tomorrow @ mall....? but won't get Palty D:
5. stay home and don't bike to CVS because maybe can get dad to drive to Marina Foods where they gots Palty hair dye (idek why LOL)
6. bike to CVS and get la hair dye but won't get Palty D:
7. dye hair?
8. or not dye hair????

okay that was significantly more than three options but you know what I mean it's sorta like a tree diagram

OTL la

Anyways right now second biggest internal struggle is whether to put on my circle lenses or not because they make my eyes look strange but I want to wear them tomorrow when I go shopping with people at Valley Fair
Actually right now I don't even know if we have a ride because my dad has to work at 9 and then we'd have to go at 8 and Valley Fair doesn't even open till like 9 or some shit
and I have lots of stuff to do
like

1. Career paper
2. WWII oral report
3. Chinese homework

shit dude

I better get cracking

after I watch The Hunger Games

and see Rue get killed

idk

GO WATCH THAT BUTT-SPIRATION VIDEO AGAIN
ohwait you were too captivated by sexyness that you never stopped watching it eh
I know you
I know who you are
oh but imho first place for sexiest woman goes to Miranda Kerr
and oh wow that accent
mmmmmf

thoughts

I feel like we don't click.
Not all of the time, because most of the time you make me laugh and well, I don't know how I make you feel because you don't really show anything and you don't tell me anything either.
But sometimes, especially when we're not talking face-to-face, I feel like we're too different and our personalities are too unmatched and what was that saying, "opposites attract"? but we're not really opposites and we're not all that alike either so we're just two unspecial people with nothing special.

miewjroie

I keep getting random blog views from all over the world because of those pictures of the One Direction guys. LOL mostly Harry and Niall; people are searching up "Harry Styles" or "Niall Horan" on Google images, clicking on the pictures I uploaded on my blog, and messing up my stats because of it. I got 100+ views yesterday and today from Italy, URUGUAY, Russia, Brazil, Japan, England, etc. because of it .____.
Anyways,
MY PORES ARE HUUUUUUGE :C so back to the trusty Daiso 'natural pack' that I don't even know if I'm using right but that's okay because it was quite a huge bottle for $1.50! :D

I look quite ghastly without my bangs so that's why my forehead is cut off.

my favorite part of my face: my chin.

Actually my bangs are put up in a kawaii~!!1 way so I'll post a picture of that

yes I whited out my mouth because I look ghastly without my bangs.

Whee for little animal clips :P
Oh, and I also made a little side blog (going to have selcas, hair, clothes, and weight loss posts, instead of flooding them all here!)