mother knows best

she had large glasses
       long dark hair
she was impatient-tyrannical
she was harsh
soft, an easily molded mind
i looked up to her.
she sat at the keyboard
and music tune flowed out of her fingers
stilted,         out of practice
perfect
mommy's little girl
wanted to be just like
                                                     her
climbed up onto the bench
all soft edges and clumsy child grace
touch-stroke the black[white] keys with one finger
then two
mustered up all the courage and clashbang the piano sounded
she laughed
a musical sounding laugh
       and so i began to take lessons
all of a sudden
she was impatient-tyrannical
she was harsh
      shrinking back from a raised voice,
not so musical now
wondering where mother went
who was this strange creature -- that scolded and snapped and came with pain
delivered in the form of an upraised palm that smacked
                mother knew best
                mother knew best
but this was not mother
we grew brave
we grew strong
we soldiered on
we hated every minute of it
but even then i could not hate mother
mother was sweet
 and gentle
  and mild
   and funny
    and fun
it was this instrument
that betrayed clumsy slow fingers
i heard the music in my head
coming out of my fingers
it was horribly twisted, tangled
mother tried to conduct with her own hands          eyes  gestures
       we soldiered on
    tapped out little music-box tunes
and so when i went to my first competition
                mothers galore
 snapping proud pictures
my mother straightened the black lacy bow in my hair
and looked me in the eye
and told me
that winning or losing         it did not matter
all that mattered was the journey
and when i was called up
up to the front
where the judges [tall formally dressed spectacle-wearing impressive] were waiting
to shake my hand
and tell me
that third place went to 'Janis Joy Lee'
i looked for my mother
in the audience                      and she was there  smiling at me
   mother knows best

and now when i see
where i used to sit
on that hard unforgiving piano bench
i see mother.
she has swapped large glasses for modern frames
        cut medium-length her long dark hair [now grey with lines and cares and frowns] that she refuses to dye
i see how i used to admire her
mother was strong
mother was good
and i see how i love her
and all her good intentions           tireless worries    fears and hopes and dreams
mother knows best
mother knows best.

Panamanamanamanamanamanian

If I weren't Hong Kongnese, I'd want to be Panamanian.
Doesn't that sound cool?
A Panamanian from Panama.
Plus they have cool hats.

That's wsup.

Actually, I'd want to be Alician.

Because Alicias are the coolest.

Thank you for stalking my blog, dearest.

Also, this song is very cute and adorable and kawaii and kyeopta. You should go listen to it.

selfish

selfish? sel fish? selshark. selwhale. seldolphin.
Hum. You used to tell me everything. I didn't see how far apart we've grown until all we did was say hi in the hallways. We stopped talking on AIM, Facebook, Tumblr: one by one, everything.

I suppose it was partly my fault: I didn't ask about how you were anymore, I stopped caring (really) about you, I wasn't a very good friend. But it wasn't like you needed me, anyways, right? People kept making fun of me when I went to talk to you but it wasn't like that between us, never was.
Just friends.
It feels like I haven't talked to you in ages, when in reality I spoke to you today, a few hours ago.
Now you've got new people to talk to, new places to go; we don't trade secrets anymore.

That's fine.
What bothers me is the feeling that I stopped being your friend first.
Was I being selfish? Thinking too much of myself and too little of others (you)?

bear with me just this first time

The hardest part about having a blog is not posting complaints all the time.
If only I had a cardboard box. A large, brown, sturdy cardboard box. Then I could crawl inside it and stay there and convince myself that I could hide from my troubles.
Aren't I childish.
Instead of turning around and facing my problems like a (wo)man, all I want is to hide from them. I still believe that if I can't see them, they can't see me, and maybe they'll pass right on by.

Unfortunately, I don't have a cardboard box. Or a large box of any kind.
I guess I feel bad that everyone around me is working so hard, when I'm... not. They're all so motivated and stuff and even if they're not really 'trying', they still (effortlessly, it seems) get good grades. While I've tried to study, and tried to work hard, and tried to keep up with everyone else.
Am I just not motivated enough?

My parents keep telling me about people who are so much better than me. "So-and-so's son got an A in this class! He told his mom it was easy! Why can't you do that?" "Look, on the news. This girl moved from China and became the class representative in her school! She went to the White House! You should be like her."

When I'm on the computer, actually doing legit stuff like typing up my essay: "Get off the computer! Why you always on Facebook? See, this is why you're useless. Never amount to anything!"

And then you always ask me why I'm never motivated.
Well.
If everything you've been telling me 24/7 is your definition of 'motivation', how can anyone be 'motivated'?

Everyone's so touchy and sensitive these days.
We're falling apart as a 'family'. We start yelling at each other, across the room, up and down stairs, over the price of poster paper.
I almost wish the world would end this year. It would make everything a lot simpler.

I spend too much time on Youtube

Watched some style/fashion video about how 'colors make us feel good about ourselves' and the colors of the clothes we choose to wear/in our closet reflect what we're feeling.

"The colors we wear can really affect the way we see ourselves and our mood."

/looks at closet

/sees all blue, gray, black, and black-and-white-striped clothing.

/with some yellow in there. Gotta keep that Asian spirit up!

Throughout the entire video, I was thinking about how good her legs looked and wondering how much better I would feel if I had legs like hers. LOL

"This one piece dress has multiple colors, which really show off my confidence and energy."

/and legs cough that's a minidress why are you wearing that in the dead of winter lol if you tried to wear something like that here you'd freeze your pretty little legs off

"Orange takes a lot of confidence to wear."

/glances at closet

/doesn't own a single orange thing

/k

"Pink is an affectionate and loving color, and also indicates having an open heart."

P!nk seems happy to hear that.

Favorite outfit is the fourth one. The green skirt's cute.

"If you wear a lot of blue, it's also a way to show that you're calm, in control, and also at peace."
Oh yeah, totally. That's what Levi's had in mind when they came up with 'blue jeans'...

LOL here I am, watching fashion videos, wearing sweats and an oversized man sweater and my hair up in a granny bun.

Eating cereal.

There is a chem test and a graphing calculator quiz and Chinese homework to do and Cain homework due tomorrow but Bunches of Oats make all of that okay.

Song of the day: Arms -Christina Perri

Tumblr withdrawal

I want my Tumblr back.
Gaaaaah.
Quitting cold turkey is not the way to go, unfortunately :c
Wow, I really am addicted to Tumblr.
WAAAAAAASDHFAKJ;DLKSFJ;LDSKFJ WAHF WHA H

Complaining to Alicia on GTalk and she is not being sympathetic.
...I'm sure I'll love you for adamantly refusing to give me my account back. When finals are over.

I love her.

On the other hand, I am now on Chapter 53 of David Copperfield. Yesterday, I was in the middle of Chapter 46.
I suppose the absence of Tumblr is good for one thing: learning about Mr. Copperfield's little troubles (they're actually quite interesting).
So much sexual tension between Agnes and David lol except he doesn't really feel it because he made a baby with Dora, his 'child-wife'... but then Dora had like a miscarriage. And then she lost the use of her legs.
Witchcraft, I tell you!

Also, I really don't get stoichiometry it is so horrible
gah
why

all day errday

Gpolife.