oh and if i had a brain

I've actually been really ugly the past few days (pimple breakout! all over my face) and I didn't have the energy to actually make myself cute (lol go to Elite in same clothes I slept in, nbd) and huge eyebags (mapling all day all night) and yeah so that's why I haven't been making many ootd posts.
But here I made an effort today.
And people were like "wow Janis you're wearing a dress" and lol



lol smile still ugly



but I like to think that my face is getting slimmer! (why can't my cheekbones just stick out please why do I have such a round face)

unflattering pic #1543554345

OOTD: this gray/green blazer/cardigan thing from Forever21, floral sundress from Forever21 (at the back you can see my swim tan .___.)

my legs are so unflatteringly short

so's my face lol
unflattering
I mean
not short

actually before like twenty seconds I didn't realize I could embed Youtube videos in my blog posts lol. But NOW I KNOW and here's my current jam: Shelter - Birdy.
I love her voice.
It's so hauntingly beautiful ugh so naice

toodles

P.S. (unflattering) outtakes from today's escapade with the webcam

vices

I have another vice to add on to my growing list: never content, always worrying too much, no motivation/lazy, shallow/vain, judging other people too quickly, terrible person, overly jealous. Even when there's no need to be and no coherent, logical reason that I should feel that way. And it's usually always over people.

Jealousy:

• I do not know you. I am not even your friend. I am jealous of people you talk to because I want to be your friend and get to know you and be comfortable around you.
• I guess I don't like you, but I like....... physical contact with you. Idk I'm a really touchy person apparently but I like hugging you and being around you even when you annoy me and you're being dumb. 
• I want someone to want me.
• I want someone to want me at the same time that I want them.
• I want to be loved.
• I want to feel loved.
• I am jealous of people who have the aforementioned things and don't even know it, or appreciate them, or don't know that they're lucky that they have them.

While we're on the subject, why don't we go over the rest of my vices.

Never content:

• This could tie in with some Jealousy points as well. 
• I know I have friends who care about me but I often feel that I want more than what they can give me.
• A friend has told me that sometimes I'm really kind of a perfectionist. Yes, and that's probably why I'm usually not content, or satisfied, and have such low self-esteem.

Always worrying too much:

• I stress out about so many things but don't actually do anything to change my situation.
• Because I'm so convinced that nothing I do can have any effect whatsoever so I don't even try to expend the effort.

No motivation/lazy:

• Tying into aforementioned points, I am a lazy ass and I would be happy sitting on my butt watching Community or reading a good book/fanfiction instead of studying for SATs or doing Precalc homework or even trying to study for AP Bio. 
• I am addicted to the Internet. And haven't even tried weaning myself off.

Shallow/vain:

• Yes, I take a lot of pictures of myself.
• I look into the mirror/at my reflection a lot.
• I care about my looks/clothes/face/hair a lot because I'm ugly and checking whether I got any uglier over the course of an hour.
• Also, my face gets oily and it looks bad.
• Oh I sound like a silly shallow narcissistic person right now and that's something I really need to work on but I won't.

Judging other people too quickly:

• Usually I don't hold grudges.
• But if you're annoying af the first few times I meet/interact with you I will hate you forever and avoid any future interactions and be really ... "cold".
• Also I judge people by their looks.
• And if you're cute I will stare.

Terrible person:

• If the above weren't enough to prove how horrible I am...
• I am also overly brusque
• I have no brain-to-mouth filter (I say what I think and what I think isn't always nice)
• I really hate annoying people. In a passive-aggressive way.
• If I hate you I won't confront you about it, I'll just write aggressive blog posts at you.
• I tell people about my problems all the time but I'm terrible when people ask me for advice. I'm better at the listening part.

There's more but too many to list them all at once and I have Crit. Reading homework so.

mak dongsaeng

So I don't know why people are still actively shipping us like what am I not allowed to have a nice best guy friend that I can hang out with and walk around with and stuff LOLLL
Oh well I hope sooner or later people can get the idea that we are not dating or planning to date or ever going to date in the future. And that it is perfectly alright for a girl and a guy to hang out together without having any romantic interest in each other. Yes. For goodness sakes, I even talk to him about which cute guy I'm currently obsessing over =_____=
After Elite (they switched up the schedule so English is now first and Crit. Reading is now last! I don't like it. But I guess now Russell can wake us up when we're about to fall asleep.....? And Jon is so moody I can't where did nice Jon go?) I went and walked to Mission because Mak lives like across Fremont from me =____= (and also when I was walking I made eye contact with a guy wearing a white v-neck which I'm nooooot sure if he was the cute guy or not [lol what is grammar Walcott would cry over my last sentence but whatever this is how I think ok] because cute guy was wearing a white v-neck and looking really really cute today omq [he always looks cute but today especially omq I like v-necks omq] and it was like....... long eye contact because I was trying to figure out if he was who I thought he was LOL [+10 cool points to you if you successfully deciphered what I just said... I'm not too sure myself] .....heh)
So yeah. And then I waited for him for like half an hour and then sat at the creek path because it was hot af and yes, we did have to pick the hottest day ever to trek (ELITEWORD!) across Fremont. Then we went to CVS and we got lost on the way =______= looool finally got there and I got my St. Ives' Green Tea Scrub (waaay too many facial products, but I still get acne like wtf) and then went to TapEx.
I didn't want to spend too much money (owe so many people! and Jeremy was like oh I can pay for you but I was like nawhha h don't want to owe but ended up drinking like half of his drink haha)

Look at this kid. He thinks he's qute.

He refused to take a picture with me but instead took pictures of me. Thanks.

Really photogenic. LOL
Anyways yeah....... we basically hung out at TapEx and talked. About cute guys ... and yeah........ I don't even remember what we talked about for literally two hours. But I did give him back his hat. He said I look better in it though C:
So that was fun and I like hanging out with people one on one and it's nice.

thankfuls

partaaay with friends

Yesterday (Sunday) was Cynthia's sweet sixteen party! there was around 25 people there lol. For the first few hours all we did was stay outside on the driveway/street and fill water balloons/pour water on people haha. I got there an hour late (around 4) so the first thing they did when I stepped onto the driveway was pour a bucket of water down the front of my shirt =____= Luckily I took Cynthia's warning seriously and brought a full set of clothes with me LOLLL
And then there was more water/water balloon fun + root beer floats without root beer (soda, lol) c: and right when I was almost completely dried off, someone decided it was 'gang up on Janis time' and literally everyone either poured water or smashed water balloons at me =____= (CALVIN I BLAME YOUUUU)
then everyone went inside to change LOL
and Trisha, Albert Tao, and Calvin played Melee for quite a while
the rest of us just sat on the couches and watched loooool.
and yum barbeque and the sausages were so good omq. (quite a few inappropro sausage jokes heeeeere; WEEEEEEENIIIIIIIIIIS)
then Oreo cupcakes by Lindsey were so fantastic omq mouthgasms. finally they played more melee and we (me, Louisa, Victoria) played truth or dare while Selena and Joyce studied vocab words and Clarisse, Justine, and Jacinda played volleyball and other people did other stuff LOL
our truth or dare game:

• Louisa sat in Austin Lee's lap (well really he figured out what she was trying to do when we kept trying to get him to sit down so he sat and then pulled Louisa into his lap LOL)
• Victoria blocked Trisha's view of the game until she walked off the edge
• they asked me "who's the cutest senior guy at our school? (class of 2013)" "CHRIS KIIIIIIIIIIIIM"
• Victoria had to go pull a controller cable out lol and she pulled Trisha's out (entirely by chance) and then Trisha didn't know what happened at first so she was like .....what until people started laughing LOL
• um they dared me to go in front and lay down and pose on the floor but I couldn't because I am actually very self-conscious (if you didn't know, yes, actually, I do have some self-pride.......) so they were like ok ok ok fine pick a guy in the room to sit on his lap and since I didn't know Albert Tao and Austin Lee was out of the room it was Calvin LOL he had terrible posture so I had to go and like rearrange his arms before I could sit LOOOOL and the strange thing was once I went over the Melee game just finished and everyone was staring at me like ..... "GET SOOOOOOOME" and "omq what about Jeremy"
• .....................lol

anyways all in all it was really really really fun and Cynthia's parents were like taking pictures haha but I don't know where they are :P

Jeremy Maaaaaak

so this kid. Usually I talk to him or text him about weird insignificant happenings in my life looool but yesterday I was being moody so I just talked at him and then he talked to me and made me feel better this kid he says he doesn't know how to comfort people but he does. And I can talk to him about literally anything and it won't be awkward or uncomfortable and I just love this kid so much and I am thankful that we are so close and he can give me good advice without making it seem condescending or like advice at all but it helps.
I just reread the paragraph I just typed up yeah it didn't make much coherent sense but yeah JEREMY MAK BE MY BEST FRIEND 5EVA PRZ

duuuubstep 

I listen to dubstep alone ok there is no need to dance to it. and for some reason it helps me focus especially because I can't focus when listening to music with lyrics. (but I can with thumping beats and random mixes? hmm...)

yeeeeah alright that's about it that's what I'm thankful for kbye

Cynthiaaaa

Ajfkdlsjfa;dskfj I talked to the cute guy for literally the first time today. Well he talked to me before...... wellllll, more like at me. At me and Jeremy. and he was like checking me out LOL idk how to make that sound less weird...

.....LOL THIS SOUNDS SO PATHETIC MOVING ON

Today was Cynthia's 16th birthday so after Elite (who cares about Elite no one) we (me, Cynthia, Selena, Joyce) took the bus to Great Mall!

Le matching shorts, cardigan, studded/spiked jewelry, and glasses (you can tell mine are fake lol but I wish they were real they don't look half bad)
Tim Walcott (Writing teacher) asked me if the spikes were metal or plastic. (They're plastic). Mark said I could take an eye out with that bracelet.

Instagrammin' on the bus. People must have thought we were mental LOL I know Joyce and Cynthia certainly thought we were :C
Ate at Chipotle and split a chicken bowl with Selena because 1. expensive and 2. too much food lol.
Went to Forever21 and since I only bought three things this time (all from Forever21... yey) I'm probably not going to do a shopping haul because I'm lazy af.

A moustached Hello Kitty backpack to match the one she has on her back. And I just jumped in the picture because I like pictures.

Tuxedo Sam!!! Still the cutest thing in Sanrio imo. I would have bought this bag but it was waaaaay overpriced. Le sighs. Next time I go to Hong Kong maybe they'll be selling knockoffs on the street or at Ladies' Market c;

Wow my collarbones do really stick out in a funny way people have been telling me that recently hmmm wow.
Now if only my cheekbones would do me a favor and stick out more... maybe I'd be slightly attractive D:

Waiting in Nike for Cynthia to buy her "stepping" shirt LOOL don't waste the floor-length mirrors! (The only way to see if your legs look good, and mine, unfortunately, do not :C)
And that was the end of our bus/Chipotle/shopping excursion.
ONCE AGAIN, A VERY HAPPY 16TH BIRTHDAY TO MISS CYNTHIA JIANG

existing

Lately I feel like I'm just living for cheap thrills. Going to the movies, shopping, hanging out with friends, watching waaaaay too many Youtube videos, torrenting movies, etc... I've even stopped trying to study and get a good score on my SATs because it all seems so far away. I might not get into an Ivy League school, or even a "good" school, but I feel like I'll settle for whatever. Anything "good" enough.
I feel all my life I've been drifting along, getting pushed along by others or bouncing off of what other people want me to do, what they think I should do or so many expctations other than mine.
And I don't want to live that way. But like one of my friends told me, I'm "mellow". I "go with the flow". I don't seem to care about what happens or how my life's going to be.

in which janjan is a clumsy wretch

Hi it is Sunday afternoon which is usually "dress up in clothes I don't usually wear and try to act cute" day.

But first you should really listen to Us - Regina Spektor (not just because it's from 500 Days of Summer, which is, by the way, one of my favorite movies) because it is very nice sounding

my smile looks really fake wow 

requisite tongue selca

My hair is so unruly it won't go the way I want it to and I need to trim it like once every other day to maintain a nice looking length >___>

yeah... haven't worn this dress out once lol but it's nice to lie around my house in

you see that weird looking dark mark on my arm?

it is a burn I got yesterday when I was cooking dinner I accidentally brushed against the pot and got this................... -_____- because it is an unspoken law that whenever I'm in the kitchen I have to either get burned, or drop plates (of food), or spill water, or burn whatever I'm cooking D:

Also I've been staying up late reading Avengers fanfiction (ALICIAAAAAAAAA :C) and therefore my eye pouches have been melting into eyebags =_______=
and still undecided on what color to dye my hair. Went to Marina yesterday and the red foaming Palty was all sold out .____.
Oh well maybe when Trisha finally makes up her mind I'll be forced to make a decision too and then we can go buy hair dye.
.....I noticed I tend to end my posts abruptly lol here have a picture of me with gigantic unnatural eyes

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