i want you for myself

Lately I've been wondering why I can't feel happy. Whatever I'm doing, even if it's hanging out with friends or listening to happy music (happy music? since when have I needed to listen to 'happy music' to make myself feel happy?) or shopping or whatever, there's always an undercurrent of sadness. And at random times, I get a dull ache in my stomach and a prickly feeling behind my eyes and suddenly all I want to do is cry. Cry until someone holds me close and pats my back and tells me that it's alright, that everything's going to be okay. But I can't do that, can't cry in front of everyone, still a little girl at sixteen years old, so I keep the burning feeling down in my chest until it feels like I'm suffocating.
Like now.
I was just listening to "You and I" by Ingrid Michaelson and when she sang the lyrics "oh let's get rich and buy our parents homes in the south of France, let's get rich and give everybody nice sweaters and teach them how to dance" I started to cry and I don't know why.
Why does it seem like I always need someone to rant to, someone to hug me, someone to tell me it's okay, to be happy? Why can't I be independent and believe my lies to myself: "everything's going to be fine", "you're alright"?
Earlier today I was thinking about my relationship with God and how I've drifted away from Him this entire year. I've disliked going to church because I'm always alone, isolated, and I don't feel like I can understand Scripture -- everyone else's interpretations are always so much more... interpretation-y and I feel left alone and lost and terrified and I run away from my problems so I've been running away from God.
And then later today I was wondering how it would feel to cut myself. Just out of morbid curiousity, of course. I've heard that it does hurt, a lot, but then later in the midst of physical pain it helps release some inner pain, so it feels good... and that's why cutters keep cutting themselves.
........
I don't know, looks pretty painful to me.

Why am I so clingy and whiny and terrible and dumb and WHY

shameless self-ads

New post in vanity consumption! which I think is a pretty aptly named blog if I do say so myself, as the new post is basically pictures of myself :P Oh well I think I look pretty good today and so does my hair and that's saying something.

And I still really want to play badminton I have absolutely NO idea where this sudden desire/urge came from but it's not going away anytime soon :C

ugh

some points I want to talk about

• sudden desire to play/learn badminton again
• I already learned for a year when I was in eighth grade then went back to swim
• why do I want to play badminton
• why do I not want to swim
• what do I do

so first I have this really strange, really sudden urge/desire to play badminton again. I don't know if it's because I'm around all these badminton people all the time: Louisa, Young, my sister -- and I did really like badminton but my mother made me choose between swim and badminton and I chose swim. Don't get me wrong, I do like swim... but it's lonely. It's only fun when you have friends among the team or you're all really close + coach too. And it's not like that for FF and I just .... I don't know. Also I'm not too fast for swimming and I've never really liked it, it was just something that I did from when I was really little and just kind of kept up the thing. .___.
actually who am I kidding I've always hated swimming with a burning passion it was just the people on high school JV swim who were really nice and I liked them
but swimming was all bad plus I can't even get onto varsity and I'm not fast fast :c sure I might be good at 100 breast and 100 IM but that's JV and I couldn't even get an award >____>

I did learn badminton before, and I know the footwork and general basics and how to clear and smash and drop and tumble and I wonder if more practice/getting fit/re-doing badminton/turning up will make me better and stuff. Me and my sister learned at the same time but (not to brag) I did pick it up/get better faster than she did, and now she's already pretty good. So I keep wondering if I had kept with badminton if I could have made varsity badminton by now...

Apparently Louisa and Young are "high end" badminton and (just saying, imo) they're not that good, even if they do have expensive rackets >___> (not just my opinion, I talked to Jeremy about this too)

so well I don't know

we made plans sort of to go to CBA over the summer... maybe. I also want to take up private lessons again, dunno how my mom will receive that news.

I WANT TO BE GOOD AT SOMETHING ;~; so obviously swimming is not working maybe badminton will? Dude this is so frustrating I don't even know what I'm good at or what my mindset is or what's causing these urges it's just

I want to play badminton. I want to try it out once more before I give up on it totally. 

.......OR SOMETHING?!

I don't know if this is a long term desire or goal or whatever but man do I want to play badminton

swim banquet

now it's really the end of swim season 2012 :c

so basically people got awards and we ate nice things like pasta and fruit and cheesecake. And also Mo's giant stuffed tiger made a few guest appearances. During the banquet someone kept staring at me :P and I also stole looks when he wasn't looking ... hopefully. After the banquet we took pics like crazy.

and now I'm really tired and trying to study for math/prepare for chem presentation tomorrow so I'll let the pictures do the talking. Make of them what you will :P

(click photos for larger size/better quality)

anthony's hand placement and spencer's perfect donk

the "nikki"

model material right here

and here

ff girls

oh Alisha

DOIN' THE "NIKKI"

and after the banquet I also took lots of up close and unflattering pictures with Jonathan's camera :P of Jonathan and Jeremy
here they are
first one that Jonathan takes of me that's up close and sharp and defined and whoa

and then a whole bunch that I take of him and Jeremy that are....... blurry LOL ok I don't have any photography skills whatsoever ;~;

There's lots more, I just picked the best shots LOL
For more pics... see here if you're friends with Jonathan Chen lul.

And then he took like fifty billion stop motion pics of me hugging Jeremy................

.......yeah.

I'm going to miss all of you swim buddies -- can't wait till next season! I know I always complain about swim during swim season but really I love it and all of you too <3

everything's alright now (better)

So the benefits of people reading your blog are... basically nonexistent. Except for this time it actually smoothed out our little friendship bump. The person I wrote the last two posts about saw the first post I made about him (the angry bitchy one) and then wrote a response post on his tumblr, linking what he said to posts from MY tumblr and THIS BLOG

and then I saw it and then proceeded to write the very coherent post below this one. ...Then sent him an e-mail, hopefully explaining lots of the misunderstandings happening between us and within a few short e-mails everything was better.

But then I decided it would be better if less people saw what I wrote/what I think because then they'd hate me forever! Hence the URL change. Are you happy now, Christie? Except it's now my blog URL instead of tumblr...

I like 'airchrysalism' too much to even think about changing it. Guess I'll just have to put less personal stuff on it. And refrain from being a big bitch.

Anyways, moving on...

A few days ago I saw a sweater that I liked very much from Kingdom Culture (a Christian clothing website store thing) and it's like maroon and says "REP THE KING" and it's very nice and only twenty dollars. 

But the maroon version that I wanted was all sold out of sizes EXCEPT small! (Which would be perfect... but I don't know what their sizing was.) So my friend, who owns one in size medium, was like "oh yeah I'll let you try it" and then yesterday he was like "want to try it tomorrow? it's going to be like 60 degrees and rain" so I said yes. And then I also nicknamed him Shaniqua. 

(OK GOING OFF ON A TANGENT HERE yesterday his gtalk status was 'busy' and I don't usually like to chat 'busy' people because 'busy' people are usually busy... so I put his last name as my gtalk status (the day before, I did the same thing and then he chatted me so I knew he wasn't busy) and then I checked his status again like half an hour later and his status was now set to my last name xD (oh god I haven't used that emoticon in like centuries) and then I liked that. ...very much. More than I should. And then we talked for ages. /END TANGENT)

So me and Louisa were in the library during lunch on account of the wind and rain and storm and bleh and I was wearing my bright green hoodie and scarfie and then I texted him to come to the library because I wanted his sweater

(actual text words were: "come library want sweater" LOL)

and then me and Louisa were playing ten fingers and I was winning (not sure whether that's a good thing or not; one of my "never have done"s was "never won in pokemon showdown" .________.) and then I saw him come in and he obviously saw us too (can't miss dat neon green) but he did some weird loop thing and I saw his head peeking out behind library stacks LOL IDE but finally he came over and then he stripped and that was oddly hot because he's so fit and then I put on his sweater (took off hoodie first) and it was blessedly WARM and smelled very nice. 

Like very, very nice. it smells like him when he hugs me 

and then me and Louisa and him were talking more and then she said "I'm going to call you Shaniqua from now on." and he turned and looked at me like "did you tell her that you were going to call me Shaniqua" and I was like "no" and then I told Louisa that yesterday I'd said the same exact thing LOOOOOOL and then we laughed and died for a few minutes and he just looked at us like "is this seriously what you do every day at lunch" and then we talked and replayed ten fingers and it was nice. then lunch ended and I gave him my hoodie to wear LOL and IT ACTUALLY FIT. I WAS SURPRISED (it's S/P sized, from Forever21 LOL) albeit a little short. but still looked very nice, actually. I think he's one of the few guys who could pull off a neon green hoodie :P

and then he walked me to the gym quad (normal routine after lunch) and then we hugged and he still smelled very nice and very good.

after school I saw him again and we walked to the M-wing and then he said "do you wear perfume" and I said I don't and then he said "oh yeah okay then it just smells like girl. Me and Richard were debating this in math class and he said it just smells like girl but I said it smells like coconut" and I replied something and I just smelled it but it just smells like him really

then he gave me back my neon hoodie but I was like "your sweater's so warm" and he said "am I supposed to walk home in a T-shirt" and I was like "you could wear my hoodie" and he replied "wow no all the drivers will be looking at me" so he decided to go home in a T-shirt. Idk lol. 

And now I'm still wearing it and it smells like him good and I keep sniffing it every few minutes is this bad this is pretty bad but things are good now please stay this way.

p.s. Just checked the Kingdom Culture website store. They're sold out of ALL smalls, in every color except purple, and I don't like purple D:

p.p.s. GO CHECK OUT MY VANITY BLOG UPDATED WITH NAILS

I don't even want to get into this

oh crap fuck
for the love of all that is holy
WHY DO PEOPLE READ MY BLOG WHEN I'M INCAPABLE OF TALKING ABOUT MY FEELINGS CLEARLY AND SUCCINCTLY

FUCK

janjan is a bitter bitch

////////////////Janin////////////////
before you read this post I just want to say that I really have no idea what I just wrote and I kind of really need to pee but I don't want to get up so this post is basically some rubbish I wanted to get out of my system

I really don't get why people say they miss having a crush or some guy to obsess over because really it's the shittiest feeling in the world. I mean sure, you get "butterflies in your stomach" whenever you see him, whatever that means (nausea?) and all those cliche expressions about falling into his eyes
no
I mean circle lenses

ian lee is a hotbeb101

Why would you want that. Do you need a guy in your life for your life to have purpose or =____= If I had the choice I would rather just obsess over my hot Asian pop stars and read fanfiction where my gay OTPs dance in a field of daisies and ride unicorns into the sunset and live happily ever after. Instead of real guys because that just sucks. I usually don't obsess over guys quite as much as my friend does (switching guys every few weeks) but lately it seems childish. Haven't found anyone who really matches yet, but he's cute so you're going to spazz all about him and tell all your friends about him and make him out to be super cute and super cool and then be disappointed later. But wait you don't care about him after all when next month you're going to meet another guy who's cooler and hotter and
it actually works for you.
I don't know I can't do that why can't I do that
but why

whenever I like a guy I keep getting all hung up on him and I don't know he kept leading me on and I kind of hate him right now so that's okay but whenever I see him he just looks at me all ... sad like and I'm like no don't try those eyes on me you're the one that decided it was fun and cool to say stuff you didn't mean and pretend like you liked me too fuck you
but then I can't say that in person because I don't actually want him to hate me I just want to hate him. passively. why do I wave back to him when he waves hi to me gah hghgdh hghdjf.
actually no I don't really hate him that much I just ... don't. Like him. I mean. When someone starts leading you on for months that kind of kills the romance thing. And I guess it's a weary sort of dislike because whenever I see him there isn't any of that "ooh I hate that guy I want to rip his balls off and staple them to his neck" feel
there's just
disappointment. I thought you were better than that. we're not friends so I don't have to be nice to you but ok I'll wave
and then after I wave I'm like
why did I just do that

anyways now I guess I kind of like this other guy? and he texts me and he chats me but right now it's sort of a guy friend situation where yeah he's cool to hang out with but our conversations are basically
I don't know
he gives nice hugs but there's something missing
"hey I like sitting on your lap
and hugging you for a long time
and talking to you alone
and generally being all over you
but I don't really like you
so let's just be friends
but I like sitting on your lap"
is my current mindset on him

idanaaaaaaa

...
I just really hate guys can they all just go die

In other news, BIG BANG HAS UPLOADED  THE MV FOR MONSTER GO WATCH IT NOW IT'S FAB GD LOOKS FAB WITH PINK HAIR DAESUNG LOOKS FAB WITH PLATINUM BLONDE HAIR THEY ALL LOOK FAB WITH SHINY EYES

This has been a real quality post y'all
////////////////Janout////////////////